Idiocy

"Can I ask you a question?"
"Sure."
"How do I turn my Playstation on."
Oh, fuck me. Another one. "There is a switch on the back. It has a circle and a line on it. Flip it."
"I did that. It won't turn on."
"Is it plugged in?"
"Is what plugged in?"
"The PS2."
"Into what?"
"The wall socket."
"Should it be? I thought it was battery powered!"

"..no. Take the cord, and plug it in."
"What cord?"
"The one with the plug and the square and circle on the other end."
"There is nothing like that."
"It's long and flatter than the other one."
"Oooh. You mean this one with the yellow red and white wires?"
"..no. I mean the other one."
"But this is the controller!"
"..."

"JUST PLUG ONE OF THEM IN."
"Okay okay." (there are tinkering noises and then a click as he hangs up.)

(Two hours later)

"Hey, is this the guy I talked to about the PS2?"
"Yeaah."
"I plugged that thing in, and my house shorted out! What the hell?"
"..what did..you plug in?"
"The thing with the yellow cords. I stuck it into the socket and it shocked me! Then the house went out."
"I told you not to use that one."

"Well, there are no other cords and the controller definately does not fit."
"There is one cord. It is flat, like a tape worm."
"OOoh! Why didn't you say so?"
"...."
"Hey, it's plugged in! I turned the switch and now it's on! Thanks!"
"You're..welcome."
"Hey! Now it won't work on my TV!"
"...is the audio-visual cord plugged in to all the correct places?"
"The what?"

Are you fucking kidding me?

"It's that cord with the yellow, red, and white plugs at the end that you plugged into the wall socket."
"Oh, that one? I didn't plug that one in! That'd be stupid!"
"..so what the hell did you plug in?"
"The cord to my TV! You know, the converter cord."
"Sir, what year did you buy your TV?"
"Just yesterday, from your store!"
"..what are you doing with a converter."
"My friend needs one for his PS2, so I thought I did too, right?"
"........."

"Okay. Nevermind. Do you want to use your TV speakers another set of speakers for sound?"
"You can choose? I thought the speakers picked up the signal automatically.."

I have to pause at this point and cover my mouth to keep from laughing and cursing too loudly.

"Speakers, then?"
"Yeah, I guess.."
"Okay. Take that cord. And plug the rectangular end, into your PS2. Make sure the PS2 is off when you do it."
"Okay."
"Done it?"
"Yeah."

"Now, does your TV have a yellow lined plug somewhere?"
"Yeah. Right in front."
"Take that cord you just plugged into your PS2, and use the yellow one, and plug it into the TV."
"Where?"
"..in the yellow socket."
"Oh. Okay. Done it."
"Okay. Your speakers are plugged into the stereo, yes?"
"Um, I have no idea, my friend did that for me.."
"...(I think I'm going to cry..) Sir, Is there a big black unit that controls the speakers near your TV?"
"Yes."

"Okay. The back of it should have red and white holes.?"
"Yup. I bet I plug the other two in there, now!"
"(Thank god!) That's right!"
"Thanks!"
"Now, you should be fine."
"Cool, thanks."

(A little later..)

"I turned my PS2 on and nothing comes onto the screen!!"
"Is your TV on?"
"Oh...oops."
"Turn it on."
"I did."
"Is it fine now?"
"No..all I have is the normal channel."
"Turn it on Channel 3."
"Why?"
"Just do it."
"..hey! There it is!"
"Yes. There you go. Your PS2 is fine. Is there sound?"
"..no."
"Turn the stereo on."
"..oh."

You'd think that was the end of it, wouldn't you? What else is there that can happen?

About three weeks later, he calls back and is directed to me, since I helped him. I think, what the fuck can he possibly have as a problem now? I dread the phonecall but, in fact, he's at the counter, in the store, with the PS2. Out of the box, in a normal shoebox, with none of the cables intact. What does he want? Surely he doesn't want to return it, not like that..

"Sir, if you wish to return that, you'll need all the original packaging and cables--"
"You fucking assholes! This PS2 blew out my house!"
(The PS2 is half melted. What the hell did he DO?) "I'm sorry--what? How can it do that? It's just a computer!"
"I was playing it for a while and suddenly the electric socket started sparking and going insane, and then my PS2 fan got wicked loud and it began to smoke!"

What can he POSSIBLY have done? "What'd you have plugged into that outlet? A small military base?"
"Don't give me sass! All I had plugged in was the TV, the stereo, the PS2, two lamps, a fan, a vacuum cleaner, the computer and the router, my guitar and the amp, and the computer monitor!"
"..(All, he says? That's ALL?) "Sir, I believe you overloaded your electrical socket. We aren't responsible for user stupidity. You'll have to see someone qualified in that respect if you want it handled."

But no, he is quite convinced that it's solely the PS2's fault.

"It was this PS2! It was fine until I plugged it in!" I figured a PS2 has very little power it sucks out, but if he had everything else on, it might push it over the top. Out of pure outrage and hate, I tell him I'll make a personal run and go examine what the hell he did.

So, the next day, I head on over there. His wife greets me, and she has a striking resemblence to Kate Beckinsale. I later learn that she's actually his sister, who's staying with him for the week. She says he's on an errand, so we talk in the meantime. I ask her about the problem, and she says "I just got here. I took a look over there and it looked like someone had blown the socket out with a grenade."

So I glance over there and it does indeed, look like someone took a blowtorch and went over the area. Dreading the encounter, I wait. He gets home, and the first words are "Finally, you're fucking here! Talk about bad service!" I don't bother to tell him HE wasn't home. So, I look it over with him and discover, to my shock and disgust, that the alleged power cord he used for the PS2 is not the power cord at all, but a cord for a boombox.

"Sir...this....is a powercord...for a boombox..."
"Yeah!? Well, it fit, and it was all I could find! It has the tapeworm shape and the square/circle plug and the electrical plug!"
And, to my surprise, it does. Still, something isn't right. How could the wrong cord have caused this? At most it could ruin the PS2..

So, I ask him, "What did you do after you turned the PS2 on?"
"Well, I put the CD in and played for about thirty hours (I left it on, heh) and I found it was EXTREMELY hot, so I dumped cold water on it."
".....................................(stunned silence).............................................."

I wasn't sure what to do at that point. At first it was the many ways to kill him, but I counted to ten and realized that then it was how many ways to hurt him, and then came wondering what I could possibly say.

I just stood there, in shock. I did one of those things where you open your mouth and nothing comes out. His sister overheard the water part and then she, too, is staring incredulously at him. I turned to his sister and asked "Please. Handle this. I can't take anymore!" She gave me a sympathetic look, and said "I'm sorry. I'll take care of it." I could have kissed her.

So, I figured that was the last I'd see of him..

Two weeks later, he bought an Xbox.